These Men Think You Won’t Like Their Views. But They Want to Feel Free to Express Them.

There was no talk of a stolen election, no conspiracy theories about voter fraud or rants about President Biden’s legitimacy. Yet listening to our 90-minute focus group with eight conservative men, you couldn’t help but worry for our democracy a bit.

The men didn’t see themselves fitting into American society today. They didn’t feel free to be themselves in the culture. Seven of them said they felt like a stranger in their own country. At a time when democratic institutions are under pressure — and even under attack — and the United States feels so ununited, what causes these Americans to feel so alienated from America?

After recent focus groups with Democratic-leaning voters on the economy; younger women on work, relationships and gender roles; and teenagers on school and their futures, we decided to talk to conservative men about how they see themselves and what they value. Most said they believed society is headed toward increased rule breaking and a “me, me, me” culture. Crime and a sense of lawlessness came up a lot; our focus group leader, Kristen Soltis Anderson, was surprised by how much they used examples of poor road etiquette as emblematic of broader societal decay.

To that end, safety was a major theme: concern about being physically attacked and also concern about being verbally attacked for what they say. Several felt the cost of saying what they really think is sometimes just not worth it, evoking worries among some Americans about free speech and cancel culture. And they had strong views about masculinity and gender; they seemed aware that their views are out of step with modern culture and will offend some but still felt their views were obviously correct.

This is the seventh group in our series America in Focus, which seeks to hear and understand the views of cross-sections of Americans whose voices are often not heard in opinion journalism. We conducted the discussion with Ms. Anderson, who does similar work for political candidates, parties and special interest groups. (Times Opinion paid her for the work.) This transcript has been edited for length and clarity; an audio recording and video clips of the session are also included. Participants provided their biographical details.

8 Conservative Men On Being a Man in America Today

Kristen Soltis Anderson: If you had to describe your biggest concern about the United States or American society, in a single word or phrase, what would it be?

Tony (white, 72, retired, Massachusetts): Government spending.

Derrick (Black, 63, software engineer, Georgia): Inflation.

Michael (white, 67, retired, Florida): Economy.

Christopher (Black, 51, small-business loan broker, Maryland): Elitism.

Danny (Middle Eastern, 47, Realtor, Florida): Disgraceful.

Joe (white, 37, apparel manufacturing, New York): Weak.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Joe, why weak?

Joe: This is not the America I remember growing up in, and it’s just sad to see what’s going on.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Do you have a particular concern for your own community? Robert, tell me about that.

Robert (Black, 50, infrastructure analyst, Texas): Crime.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Joe, you’re nodding.

Joe: I grew up with Giuliani. I’m born and raised in New York. I see stuff every day. I take the subways to work, and it’s not what it used to be. It’s a problem.

Danny: Nobody follows rules or laws. Stop signs are voluntary. Red lights are voluntary. Nobody gets punished for doing the wrong thing anymore. We reward mediocrity.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: My next question: How free do you feel to just be yourself in society these days? I’m seeing a lot of people put zeros up.

Robert: You’re not free to be yourself anymore because of crime. You’ve got to be concerned about “If I go out, am I going to be a victim of crime?”

Derrick: I served in the military. I came back, and I’m living my life. People are going to be what they want to be, and I’m going to be what I want to be.

Michael: I live in Orlando, and when we moved here, it was a beautiful place. Now, right down the street, people are stealing stuff, breaking into cars. And it’s difficult to engage, because you’re afraid that no matter what you say, somebody’s going to take offense to it, even though you may just be wanting to ask a valid question and understand something.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Can you think of examples?

Michael: It’s almost anything. You can’t mention Trump. You can’t mention Biden.

Joe: I feel that social media destroyed a lot of the culture that we had. Things used to be private, or people just said things, and then they regret it after.

Christopher: I’m one of these people that speak against cancel culture. I think that true patriotism is recognizing that regardless of what party you’re in, we’re all Americans. And we should start from that premise. Then we find more reasons to join together, rather than find silly reasons to fight against each other.

Joe: Amen.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Krupal, how about you?

Krupal (Asian, 22, medical assistant, Maryland): I would say you’re not allowed to be free anymore. Due to the internet and social media, a bunch of trolls have gotten so much power. They’re constantly out there to play gotcha. So you got to be cautious.

Patrick Healy: For those of you who this has happened to, where you’ve expressed an opinion and you feel like people have come after you or gotten angry — where does it happen?

Danny: I’ve been a Realtor for 22 years. I’ve lived in Orlando for 44 years. I have a pretty damn good reputation. I’m not being arrogant. About a year and a half ago, I was the president of one of the homeowners’ associations in our community. An Asian woman got into an argument with us. When I say “us,” I mean the whole board. That night, she went and wrote a review on my business page saying that I’m a racist. My parents are Lebanese. I was beaten up every day when I was a kid because I’m Arabic. But I’m born in America. I’m not racist. I love cultures. I love languages. She wrote a nasty review, and Google won’t take it down, even though she wasn’t a client of mine. She’d never bought a house from me. She never did business with me, but she said that I’m a racist. That’s what’s happening today. And that never happened 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago. And you know what’s worse? You can’t stop it.

Robert: I agree with what Danny’s saying. People become judge, jury and executioner. It could be at work. Even at church. If you got a different viewpoint than the other people and you’re in the minority, then you could be — what do you call it? — bullied.

Patrick Healy: Robert, is there something specific that you remember happening?

Robert: I voted for Trump. I like Trump from when he was with “The Apprentice.” I knew him as a businessperson. That’s why I voted for him. And then — oh, Lord — from church to every place, people just had a problem with it. You can’t have a different viewpoint.

Christopher: I just want to harmonize with what Robert is saying. I don’t even know if you guys have heard of this term, but I’ve been called coon, and Sambo and every word in the book. When it came to Trump, everybody is so focused on the sound bites. But when I show them the executive orders that he’s done for so many different cultures and people that are part of America, they don’t want to hear that. They only want to stick to the sound bites. That’s when I realized just how irrational so many Americans are. And I blame a huge part of that on the media.

Derrick: I mean, even before the information age, talking about politics inflamed people. Even before the information age, talking about religion inflamed people. Now you’ve got access to all this information through all these different sources, so it’s coming at you fast and furious. But for me, the same thing’s been happening forever. Twenty years, 30 years ago, you talk about politics, you get into a heated argument.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Michael, do you think there are any things that in particular you just try not to talk about today?

Michael: One of the things that I’m sensitive to is diversity. Diversity is when you have people that truly have different ways of thinking. And that’s how you solve problems. But you can’t talk about it, because people don’t see it that way. It’s all about skin colors, all about sexual orientations, all about these things that the media constantly talks about. It’s not about the things that really give us value as individuals.

Joe: There’s a lot of things you really can’t talk about. I was mentioning to someone in my office about the president appointing a Supreme Court nominee. It was an African American woman. And I was saying, “That’s the most racist thing you could do. What if somebody else was good? What if they were Asian? What if they were anything?” And then when you speak to somebody about it, well, what are you? Racist? No, I’m not racist.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Are there any places where you do feel comfortable — at home, being yourself?

Joe: During the pandemic, we decided to make a WhatsApp group. And the group grew to what it is today, of like 35 guys that mostly share the same views. And we just talk to each other all day, and everybody says what’s on their mind. We don’t hold back.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Let me then ask the flip side of this question, which is, are there any spaces where you specifically don’t feel comfortable? Any places where you are extra on guard?

Joe: I would definitely say in my office. I don’t want to offend anybody, and I have four kids. I have a living to make. I don’t want to deal with any headaches.

Danny: I’ve had friends that I’ve known for 20, 30 years drop me from Facebook over political differences. No matter how well they’ve known you, they will turn their back to you.

Joe: I wanted to mention, one of my closest friends happens to be a liberal, and I’m the total opposite. We’re great friends. People don’t understand that today, that it’s OK to disagree.

Michael: The country, to a great extent, has really lost the ability to have civil discourse and be able to learn from different opinions.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Another show-of-hands question: How many of you agree with this statement? “I feel like a stranger in my own country.”

[All but Derrick raise their hands.]

Danny: We are the most selfish, self-centered, entitled culture. Everything is me, me, me. My brother’s a doctor in the emergency room. I hear stories every single night. People just run red lights. And when we were younger, we used to see one person run a light. Now it’s four or five cars in a row on the same red light. They could literally kill a family. They don’t care. They’re in a hurry. They’ve got to get to Chick-fil-A.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Let me shift gears and focus a little bit on the things that you value. What are you most proud of these days? What has made you feel a sense of accomplishment?

Derrick: I made sure my son graduated from college. Was there to support him all the way. Do what I had to do to make sure he became a man.

Joe: My children — we take bagels or doughnuts or whatnot to the local police station nearby, because their morale is probably not the greatest, especially in the N.Y.P.D. And we always tell them, “We love you guys. We support you guys.” And I always tell my kids, in anything that anybody does, there’s always a small amount of bad people that do the wrong things. But always remember that it doesn’t always set the tone for everything, that the police are here to protect us.

Christopher: Instilling values in my kids and seeing them live their lives not feeling like they’re victims. They’re not oppressed. They have a great work ethic. They have great character traits, all of them. I couldn’t think of a greater thing as a father and as a husband, knowing that we instilled that into our kids. Because that’s my idea of how society should be. They’re not self-entitled. They believe in the value of work and not this sense of victimization.

Patrick Healy: I want to ask each of you to throw out a word or two on this: What does it mean to be a man?

Robert: Provide for your family.

Michael: Compassion.

Tony: Being responsible and being a model for your kids.

Joe: I think providing for your family, teaching your children right from wrong, leading by example.

Derrick: Having integrity.

Krupal: Taking care of your family and being respectful to others, regardless of your personal perspective.

Robert: From my religion’s standpoint, the man is in charge. The responsibility falls upon a man in certain areas. And if something fails, it’s the man’s responsibility on why it failed, not the woman’s.

Patrick Healy: Is masculinity important to you?

Christopher: Yes. You can’t observe the natural animal kingdom and see the separation between masculine and feminine and then all of a sudden think that we, as humans, are just going to be all one-noted. We’re masculine and feminine for a reason.

Patrick Healy: Derrick, what about you?

Derrick: Very chill masculinity. Not that bravado type of crap.

Robert: To me, the stuff that’s going on with Ukraine — the United States hasn’t filled our role as being masculine as a nation in that aspect. And that’s why Putin is doing what he’s doing, because when you don’t step up into certain roles, then the stronger person is going to take over. In past times, we’ve taken a leadership role, and to me, we’re not taking a leadership role.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Who would you all think of as good examples of masculinity or manliness these days? Who’s a good example?

Danny: Jason Statham.

Christopher: Denzel Washington.

Robert: Yeah, Denzel Washington. Yeah.

Tony: Tom Brady.

Patrick Healy: Do you think the definition of masculinity or manliness has changed over your lifetime?

Tony: This country has become more feminized. It’s not the way it was when I was growing up. We started off talking about how the country has a weak image. They don’t call women the weaker sex for no reason. Men are necessary to maintain a vibrant society. And we’ve been feminized. No offense.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Who, if anyone, do you think views masculinity as a negative thing these days?

Christopher: I support feminism, but I don’t support modern feminism. I think that modern feminism is focused on so-called toxic masculinity, and they are actually purveyors of men-bashing. And so I support femininity and feminism but not to the point where they’re looking to hoist themselves above men to try to make up for so-called patriarchy.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: What do other folks think about this?

Danny: Look at fashion. Look at the newer generation of how people dress, how men dress. There’s men, and there’s women, and there’s masculinity, and femininity. And there’s no reason to destroy one in order to make the other one better. I’m not trying to get into a negative men-versus-women thing, but I’m seeing masculinity under attack. And I’m seeing men wearing tight skinny jeans, with no socks and velvet shoes. And it’s cool to wear pink. I don’t mind wearing pink. It’s a cool color. And I’m not saying colors belong with a certain gender. It’s so funny — this is what we were talking about earlier: Every time you speak, you don’t feel comfortable enough to say what’s on your mind, where you have to almost give a disclaimer. I have no problem with pink. But when we go out to a club or a dinner or dancing, you see some of the younger generation wearing very feminine clothes, blatantly feminine clothes — so much so that we are almost trying to portray masculinity as negative.

Derrick: I think that men ought to be allowed to be men, and these people who want to be what they want to be — you can be what you want to be, but don’t try to wipe me out or erase me from being the man I want to be.

Danny: Then you agree with me?

Derrick: No, you’re macho. You’re a little too macho.

Patrick Healy: Michael, and then I’d love to hear from Krupal on this, too.

Michael: Kind of makes me think of the old peace-through-strength thing. Masculinity is kind of like that, where you need to be confident, willing and committed but not necessarily aggressive. But there is a place for it, and it needs to be there.

Krupal: I work in health care. I’m lucky to have a good environment. But a lot of my other friends who work in health care, they’ve been told a lot of times to tone it down and not show their manliness. If it’s tattoos or if it’s long hair, a beard, anything that is leaning towards masculinity, they’re told to tone down.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Show of hands: How many of you would say that men have it harder these days than two or three decades ago?

[Five of the eight raise their hands.]

Joe: What comes to mind is Governor Cuomo of New York — who I hate. I couldn’t stand him. I was so happy when he was gone. But maybe he was really trying to have a relationship with one of these women. I just feel like people just rush to judgment on things. But that goes back to the cancel culture idea, where they just look to go after people. There’s a mob, and then once they go after you, that’s it. You work in the workplace, you have to watch what you do. You want to pat someone on the back? Oh, whoa, that might be — you better be careful.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: How many of you think men have it harder than women these days? In the year 2022, it’s harder to be a man than a woman these days.

[Krupal and Danny raise their hands.]

Krupal: It’s like, you’re a woman, you’re given a trophy. If a guy does something, it’s not a big deal. If girls do the same thing, it’s like, you go! Girl power! I think her gender plays a bigger role, and it gives her more advantage these days — be it career or anything.

Christopher: I think that women have it a lot easier than men these days. What it feels like is that society is trying to make up for the times that women were oppressed, and it seems like it’s kind of going overboard.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: Do you think that our society values you? The things you contribute, the things that you stand for — do you think that society values you?

Derrick: Well, I think companies like Nike value me. I think that the education system, if I’m willing to play the game, values me. If I’m willing to put in the hard work and go out there and grind and get that education, I think it values me. I feel like if you buy into the system, you want to play the game, you can excel at it. And so I think that the institutions, as a whole, they’re not perfect, but if I put in the hard work and don’t let the setbacks get in my way, I can excel in this country. So institutions, I think they’re on my side, but they’re not perfect.

Christopher: I don’t think institutions or society values me. America seems to be so focused on sensationalism and celebrity worship — things that aren’t really of inherent value. My thing is, I have to create the value in myself. And I have to live my life with that value, and I have to instill that sense of value in my kids, my family.

Patrick Healy: A show-of-hands question: Do you think sexism is a major problem in America today?

[Nobody raises a hand.]

And do you think racism is a major problem in America today?

[Nobody raises a hand.]

Danny: The media tries to make it a problem, but I don’t think it’s a problem.

Christopher: It doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means that it’s not as problematic as people make it sound. They take the molehill, and they try to turn it into a mountain, yeah.

Patrick Healy: Christopher, say a little more about what does exist in terms of racism that is real?

Christopher: You have individual racism, just like you have individual sexism. You may have pockets or communities of it that are known for it, certain people that may be in office that may be purveyors of it, but it doesn’t make the whole system that way. And I think what happens is people try to make it become systematic. And I understand it — don’t get me wrong. I can’t say that 50, 60 years ago, that it wasn’t systematic, because it was. But you can’t take that and then just refuse to look at all of the changes that were made and say, “Oh, yeah, we’re still there.” Because we’re not.

Kristen Soltis Anderson: I want to take a step back and ask what would surprise people the most about what it’s like to be in your shoes these days? What do you think many people don’t quite understand?

Derrick: How determined and how fierce I am when I get into my work. There’s an intensity that they never imagined going on inside of my head.

Danny: How hard I work, how much time I spend away from my loved ones, how I go to sleep at 1 a.m. and wake up at 6 a.m. and work seven days a week, 365 days a year. How hard you have to work in this country to make an amazing living.

Michael: We’ve got some health issues in our immediate family and how difficult it is to deal with some of the health care organizations, policies and all of the related things that are in place today.

Christopher: The thing that they would see how difficult it is being a conservative agnostic. It seems like it doesn’t fit. But they would also see the rationale and the empathy and the compassion at the seat of it.

Krupal: I’d say it’s just so much hard work and so much discipline. My previous generation spent their whole lives working in low-end labor jobs and stuff like that. It takes a generation or two to make it here.

Joe: There’s a lot of distractions. I mean, most of us grew up in a simpler time. And I feel for my children, so I try to shelter them and protect them. And I think it’s very challenging to try to grow your children in the right way, especially in today’s world.

Patrick Healy is the deputy Opinion editor. Adrian J. Rivera is an editorial assistant in Opinion. Alex Ellerbeck contributed to this article.

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